It is a beautiful sunny day so I have left the house for a walk and to try and escape my current stresses and gain some perspective on my life. I feel stressed and although I would consider myself a glass half full person, I am going through a bit of a negative phase. There are a lot of things happening right now, mostly concerning the overnight sale of the flat I share with my boyfriend and now deciding where to live and embarking on purchasing our first house. Yes it’s incredibly exciting but I don’t feel I am really in control of everything and for a control freak, this is a bit of an emotional nightmare.
This month marks 7 years since I flew the family nest and I have come a long way –I moved out of comfy naïve Devon to the big smoke of London to work and train to be a dental nurse, I then had a 6 month gap to fill so I moved to Leeds to be closer to my then boyfriend that never introduced me to his family and work professionally as a dental nurse which by then I detested. 6 months later and I moved down to Bath to attend Uni and pursue my ambitions to work in communications. While doing a summer job at the end of my 2nd year, I met the man I will eventually marry and after Uni I moved to Hampshire to be with him and now… we’re about to move somewhere new, together. It’s no wonder really that although I feel I’ve seen and done a lot, I have no real connection to anywhere I have lived and still don’t. My best friend lives all the way down in Cornwall, my family are still in Devon and although I meet and make new friends everywhere, I still don’t have anyone (by anyone I mean female friends) I can consistently rely on to ‘hang out with.’ Ultimately it boils down to the fact that I am trying to integrate myself into people’s lives that are somewhat already too established to suddenly make room for me, and when I get in sight of achieving this, I up sticks and move away again!
Jeez I sound like I am whining and so hard done by! I’m not FYI, I’m just in a very reflective mood today and trying to make sense of my misery.
While I walk I can see signs that spring is on the way, a time of change. It’s exciting!
I can see the people, cars and cyclists passing me from time to time as I walk and giving me disapproving looks while I furiously tap out my thoughts on my phone thinking I am just another of those young people preoccupied with my cyber life than I am on my real one but if I wasn’t typing as I pace, you wouldn’t be reading this now and I my internal thoughts would be disappearing into the air and not into my blog. Maybe I should buy myself a Dictaphone… (*ponders this*)
Yesterday I scored a goal in hockey, my 3rd this season, my first since joining the club which is over 10 years since I last played hockey at secondary school! I know to the more established players three goals in a season is hardly anything to shout about but you know what, I am really proud of myself! I am proud that in one season I have developed and learnt enough to be a contributing member of the team during matches. But I don’t feel part of the team, I involve myself in the training, the matches and the socials but I don’t feel that if I suddenly left, I would be missed which is a shame as it’s a cracking little club.
Writing is such a good therapy. I am pretty useless at creative writing because although I am creative, I don’t have the vocabulary or an internal dictionary good enough to explain things in a more elaborative, descriptive and poetic detail. I just tell it like it is, the sky is blue, sometimes grey and all that and why whoever invented the blog needs knighting!
So you wanna know how I feel? This (*points above) is how I feel.
Clairey Sweetie 